watering my own soul

as my eyes drooped heavily last night, right before sleep, i looked up to see the dying flowers above my bed; evidence of those last whispered "i love yous" and promises made of adventures to come. being the last thing in focus before nodding off, i woke up groggy this morning, a tinge of sadness seeping through the warm blankets i was buried under. it is mornings like these that i grasp for that last shred of foggy dream that was playing at happiness when all was "right." i clumsily rose and dressed for work in silence, only another reminder of the vast emptiness surrounding me in a cold and empty room, i am sure a mirror of what my heart must resemble.

as the day grew lighter, and my duties at work dwindled down, i was suddenly reminded of a recent conversation with a friend. i was reminded that no one person can or should be able to take that deep sense of love or peace that exists only from within. your heart is like a garden, and you are the only one with permission to tend and grow that garden. visitors may come and go, giving or taking small parts of the garden in a myriad of ways, but if it is built and loved to be a substantial, bountiful sanctuary it will withstand the small changes others impact upon it.

and so i clocked off, left my apron behind, and hand picked my own flowers to fill that vase above my bed. as i placed them purposefully here and there, i felt an overwhelming sense of pride and joy swell inside. i walked outside, took a deep breath of cold air, felt my toes scrape the pavement, and was filled with the joy of being me, existing in this world, perfect, exactly as i should be.

now if only i can keep this realization in my heart and hold it so close. when i can love myself exactly as i am, i am on the road to loving others exactly as they are. what a blessed realization, arriving exactly when i needed it.