Peace & Posies

2011-06-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

"We've all had Heavenly moments on earth, usually at our mother's breast or at someone else's. There is a feeling of inner peace that comes from total relinquishment of judgment. We don't feel the need to change others, and we don't feel the need to be different than we are. We can see, for whatever reason, the total beauty of another person, and we feel that they can see the beauty in us as well.

The world sees the special relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, as the only valid context for such an experience. That is our primary neurosis, our most painful delusion. We keep looking to the body for love, but it is not there. We 'embark upon an endless search for what we cannot find'--one person, one circumstance that holds the key to Heaven. But Heaven is within us. It has nothing ultimately to do with the thoughts of someone else, and everything to do with what we choose to think ourselves, not just about one person, but about all people. So forgiveness of mankind, of everyone in every circumstance, is our ticket to Heaven, our only way home." -Marianne Willamson [via: A Return to Love]

what would you do?

2011-05-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

via: the movie One Week

bridesmaids

2011-05-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

If you haven't had a chance to see this movie yet, it is one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long time. Support women in comedy and go see it! I saw it two nights in a row, that's how good it is.

Trading caffeine for sanity?

2011-05-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

I recently decided that cutting out coffee might be beneficial for my health. It was a disaster to say the least. You see, I just decided one day last week to not drink any coffee for awhile, and if you know me, you know that I typically drink about 2 cups a day. So quitting cold turkey was probably my first mistake.

I began my day with an emotional, grumpy breakfast where everything out of my boyfriend's mouth was responded to with, "what's that supposed to mean?" Of course, being caffeine deficient, I assumed he was being an utter jerk and I had every right to question his every word. I preceded with my day at work, stumbling into everything and wanting to dump food on customer's heads (i am also a waitress in a restaurant besides my photo gig).

I couldn't handle it any longer, and after just a half cup of coffee, I had an enormous smile reaching from ear to ear, an instant text to the boy with multiple apologies, and a vow to never go cold turkey again.

Moral of the story: be gentle to yourself. If you decide to cut coffee from your diet and your body is as sensitive as mine, do it slowly. Replace it with tea (which typically has less caffeine) or cut down the amount you take in. A little caffeine every now and then won't kill you, but guzzling mass amounts of coffee and then crashing is definitely not the healthiest. I realized that listening to my body and slowly making changes that feel good is positive, and torturing myself for giving in is ridiculous. Life is short, and it is okay to indulge, because I completely believe in the motto: everything in moderation.

[image via: my fish eye 35mm film camera]

the yellow brick road

2011-05-20T10:34:00.001-07:00

I know I haven't been writing as much, but I have been so busy lately with lots of changes. We only get one chance at this life, and I plan on living it to the fullest. I have been making some amazing lifestyle and mental changes that have been fueling my heart (and body) in the last couple months.

I am considering beginning a "series" (what have you) from what I have been learning from some amazing texts, mentors and doctors. That would include some daily (or every other day) inspiration and tips for how I have been turning my life around to be the fullest me, including everything that I am learning from people who have made it their profession, and what I have been learning on my own as well.

I would love to use this blog as a learning tool for others to join me on the journey to bettering yourself. I am curious what others think about this, and possibly what I might call this "series." I would really love some tips and inspiration from readers, as you would (hopefully) be the ones involved. I would include anything from diet changes, breaking mental habits, exercise, following your heart for career and location changes, getting over major obstacles that plague all of our lives, etc.

It will still be my writing and come from the heart, with hopefully lots more of my creative work involved as well (my photography, art, etc.) It may even be a little more personal in hopes that others might connect more deeply with my words and my heart.

Let the journey begin!

[image via: a recent wine tour trip taken with girlfriends, after our bus broke down 6 miles from the first winery! don't worry: we made it after an hour long delay and some help from friends]

Happy Mother's Day.

2011-05-08T23:17:00.000-07:00

i would be lucky to be half the person she is. strong, wise, humble, kind, compassionate, patient, and full of love; she has taught me what it means to be a woman. i can never repay her, but i can try. thank you mom.

2011-05-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

I have been contemplating this past week the news and the reactions to the murder and the death of Osama Bin Laden. While celebrations and cheers resounded around town, words of relief and joy throughout facebook and twitter, I found myself feeling odd and displaced. There was no joy or celebration echoing what was going on around me, but only sadness. Sadness that we might be enjoying and finding joy in the death of another human being. I am not saying that it was or wasn't inevitable, but just that finding any sort of celebration in it seems deeply disheartening. I came across the above quote, and felt that it justified my feelings about the news circulating around the world this week.

i am curious, what does everyone else think?

this very moment

2011-04-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

as vulnerable humans in an uncontrollable world we worry. a lot. we worry about whether what we said yesterday was the wrong thing, we worry about the choices we've made being the "right" ones, we worry about what will happen in the future with the current choices we are making and we hesitate in panic and anxiety before we make any choice with alternate paths. many times our worry freezes us, and we miss opportunities purely based off of fear. we stay, we leave, we close up, we open up, we speak, we stay silent for all the wrong reasons. instead of living present in each moment, we experience and act overwhelmingly based on past and future. in knowing that the only thing that we can somewhat control is ourselves, we take painstaking measures to keep our lives in order the way we see best.

maybe we need to let go of the life we see ourselves living in order to fully live the one meant for us. this universe is vastly greater than we are, and maybe, just maybe for once we can trust something greater than our own limited scopes. what if there is something so much greater and wonderful in store for you if you would simply let go. the wonderful thing about the control that we have over our own lives is that each day, each moment we have the ability to let the past go and start new, without making assumptions of what the future should hold. when our expectations from the past and about the future are opened up to the possibility of the unknown, that is when life can truly begin.

swimming into happiness.

2011-04-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it." -Elizabeth Gilbert

turn my grief to grace

2011-04-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

there is a red-hot fury growing in my chest, rising to my blurry eyes and scorching down my belly. deep breaths stifle the incessant scream that threatens my trembling throat. all my life has been satisfying everyone else but me, searching for approval from everyone but my own heart, finding my self-worth in people, all these people, their voices crowding inside my head, chanting do this, no, go here, wait, wrong choice, follow me, are you sure? one wrong move and i could lose all i have worked for. for what? what is it that i have worked for then anyway? so my worst was too much for him, but maybe my best wasn't good enough. everything i touch burns to ash, and that which i threw all my chips in for has suddenly vanished. i wake up in the morning, these rainy, bleak, gray-storm-cloud-mornings, to a cold and lonely room, next to a pool of melted wax i forgot to blow out the night before and some dried and scattered petals long forgotten, crunching beneath my bare, heavy feet. the silence, this loneliness unfolding, that heavy unspoken anger lingering between my words is slowly killing me. you'll forgive me for my sins, but when will i have the courage to forgive myself? maybe it is this anger that will save me, save me from myself.

[image via: h]

[title: allusion to Kate Havnevik's song: Grace]

2011-04-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.
Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.
Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.
Donald Kaufman: I remember that.
Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.
Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.
Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?
Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.
Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.
Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.

[via: Adaptation]

thanks to sadness

2011-04-02T17:20:00.000-07:00

there are moments where i am overwhelmed by the shortness and fragility of this life i am living. in these acute moments where every fiber of my being feels desperate, it is like an unbearable weight, and all i want to do is run to those that i love and hold them as long as i possibly can. as if feeling their tangible bodily embrace could keep me from losing them; every second, every minute, every day another day they are closer to just simply not existing. today is one of those days. beautiful and poignant, with just a tinge of sadness. how, ever, did sadness get such a bad rep, when it connects us so purely and humbly with what really matters? today is also one of those days where i am humbled by and grateful to sadness; just another facet of experiencing our lives in the short span we are offered.

[image: unknown]

dripping with joy

2011-03-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

there's a fever blazing in my heart, and everything is changing. i am dripping with joy. i still believe in you; i believe in myself more. i want you to follow your heart, isn't it bursting like mine? to be honest, i don't know what's "right" anymore, and i don't care. i am incredibly grateful for every stage i am in. i am doing what's right by me, and dammit if i don't die trying. i felt my feet slide as i let go of control, and where fear was expected, came freedom. i am powerful beyond all measure, and i am powerless moreover. i once said, "i love you, even if you can't love me back." i didn't mean it. i do now. i am exactly where i'm supposed to be. right here; in this moment. a dam was building inside me, pulsing with anxiety, fear, control. it cracked, exploding inside of me, and when i finally opened my eyes, it was hope that i was swimming in. what is this glow that permeates my skin? it is love gushing from my pores. i am helpless to the hand, that is greater than mine, that has swept me up in a romance with this breathing, beating world.

[image via: h]

watering my own soul

2011-03-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

as my eyes drooped heavily last night, right before sleep, i looked up to see the dying flowers above my bed; evidence of those last whispered "i love yous" and promises made of adventures to come. being the last thing in focus before nodding off, i woke up groggy this morning, a tinge of sadness seeping through the warm blankets i was buried under. it is mornings like these that i grasp for that last shred of foggy dream that was playing at happiness when all was "right." i clumsily rose and dressed for work in silence, only another reminder of the vast emptiness surrounding me in a cold and empty room, i am sure a mirror of what my heart must resemble.

as the day grew lighter, and my duties at work dwindled down, i was suddenly reminded of a recent conversation with a friend. i was reminded that no one person can or should be able to take that deep sense of love or peace that exists only from within. your heart is like a garden, and you are the only one with permission to tend and grow that garden. visitors may come and go, giving or taking small parts of the garden in a myriad of ways, but if it is built and loved to be a substantial, bountiful sanctuary it will withstand the small changes others impact upon it.

and so i clocked off, left my apron behind, and hand picked my own flowers to fill that vase above my bed. as i placed them purposefully here and there, i felt an overwhelming sense of pride and joy swell inside. i walked outside, took a deep breath of cold air, felt my toes scrape the pavement, and was filled with the joy of being me, existing in this world, perfect, exactly as i should be.

now if only i can keep this realization in my heart and hold it so close. when i can love myself exactly as i am, i am on the road to loving others exactly as they are. what a blessed realization, arriving exactly when i needed it.

taking time for me.

2011-03-11T10:12:00.000-08:00

i have hundreds of voices telling me what is right and what i need. all i know that i need is to start going outside my comfort level. i have lots of dreams and things i've always wanted to do; it is about time i start doing them. i am not happy with who i am, and i have never given myself one moment to breath and find that deep peace within myself, to find that deep sense of joy that cannot be rocked by one single person. i have this sort of idealized sense of love, and because of that, at some point, always, my relationships begin to fail. and i forgot to have balance and love myself. does this all sound something short of "eat, pray, love"? well it feels like it. there is a boy who feels "right", but things aren't working. we're taking space, and he still feels different, and i don't know what that means. but there is one thing i do know. before i give anyone my heart, right or not, i must learn to give myself the love that i deserve and need to survive. or i am no good to anyone, not even myself. so. i am going to love myself, and follow my heart (as cheesy as that may sound).

first things on the list:

-road trip (all by myself!) down south to visit friends and breathe in warm air.

-more things in the works... coming soon.

i've found that when i vocalize to other people and put out there that i will be doing things, that i do them much more often. so expect to hear of many more adventures and experiences in my life in the near future. i am looking for myself.

[image f: h]

2011-03-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

"love is what we were born with. fear is what we have learned here. the spiritual journey is the relinquishment- or unlearning -of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts. love is the essential existential fact. it is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth. to be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life." Marianne Williamson [A Return to Love]

i have a confession to make. i'm not 100% secure with myself, and there are days where i feel ugly, lame, uninspired, not enough for my partner. i feel just like a ghost floating along in a sea of bustling, red-faced, twinkling eyed, "jot-in-my-step" faces. sometimes i get in funks where i am sad for no apparent reason and have absolutely no idea how to pull myself out. i over-analyze, leave little room for human error in my relationships with others, self-attack, and all but jump to invite a miserable acceptance. then i pull myself up somehow, remind myself that i am wonderful and loved, talk myself into being cheery, and call up my closest source of joy (mom, my boyfriend, close friends, etc.). but somehow, despite everything and everyone reminding me of my blessings, i eventually sink. AGAIN. so my question, at this place in my life, is:
"where do i find a lasting peace? one that accepts downs, but transcends them. one that invites self-love and acceptance?"

in love, in myself. i am reading this book (see: above quote) and studying some spiritual theories. love is already always there, inside us, part of us and the world around us. it is meditating on, and taking that step to accept it, that i have begun to find some peace. don't get me wrong, i am still on a journey, having days of hope and days of struggle. but i am only human. i think too many times people have a hard time accepting and admitting that they don't have it all figured out. but maybe that is the first step: this awareness, to making inner changes that we so desperately need.

this is exactly what i am learning right now. how fitting that i stumbled across it.

2011-02-28T13:34:00.000-08:00

"After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn."

Veronica A. Shoffstall

local leather

2011-02-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

there is a local leather goods company from my hometown that i think everyone should know about! 2 of my friends work with Will Leather Goods, based in Eugene, OR. they currently sell bags, belts, jewelry, suspenders, etc., and have sold through brands such as Free People (if my soul was a clothing line, this would be it people). they are not limited, however, to just Eugene, and distribute their items all over! check out their site Will Leather Goods, and i promise you will have a new brand to fall in love with. nothing makes me happier than a giant over-sized canvas/leather tote. now only if they made a camera bag....

birth in America

2011-02-15T20:05:00.000-08:00

Practiced widely in Europe and Japan, home birth has largely disappeared in the United States

-in 1900 95 percent of births in the United States took place at home.

-by 1938 the number had shrunk to half.

-today the number is less than 1 percent.

-since 1996 the Cesarean section rate in the U.S. has risen 46%
-in 2005 it was one out of every 3 births

if you haven't had a chance to see the documentary, The Business of Being Born, it is definitely one i highly recommend. i am not planning on having children for a long time or even thinking about it at all right now in my life, but as a woman living in the United States, i am seriously concerned with the way the hospitals and Western doctors have taken over childbirth. i have recently been considering training as a labor doula, which is someone who assists the mother and midwife through her birth, and i have even considered midwifery at some point in my life. you would be shocked to learn how high America is on the charts for percentage of deaths or risky cases in a developing country. birth is something so amazing and life-changing, i think it is worth women making themselves more knowledgeable about their choices. i understand that there are high-risk mothers or babies, and that is an obvious reason to use an OBGYN in a hospital, but i personally believe women need to take back the birthing process. don't you want choices and someone to understand and guide your birth rather than being treated as machines to get your child out as quickly and efficiently as possible?

i am curious what does everyone else think?

see no evil, hear no evil, SPEAK no evil

2011-02-10T09:41:00.000-08:00

an old Arab proverb suggests that, before words leave our mouths, they should go through three gates. at the first gate, there is a guard who asks, "are these words true?" if they aren't true, then the guard will prohibit the words from leaving your mouth.

if the words are true, then they will arrive at the second gate, where another guardian will inquire, "are these words kind?" if they aren't kind, then this guard will stop them from ever being uttered.

finally, the third gate, there is a final sentinel who asks, "ah, these words may be true and kind. but are they necessary?"
-via The Transformative Way [Scott Sherman]

i have this problem. i talk too much. kind of like my writing, sometimes being a flow of consciousness "style", words are continually falling out of my mouth. i try my hardest to always be truthful and kind, but it hasn't occurred to me until yet to ask the question, "are these words necessary?" i have been realizing more and more that what we speak forth into the universe is so important, having the power to manifest things into our life.

many people have probably heard of Dr. Masaru Emoto, but if you haven't WATCH THIS VIDEO. he is a scientist that did studies on water, and the effects of our words and music on water. watch what happens to the water, and keep in mind that our bodies are made up of about 70% water. everything is energy. [i am learning this. through acupuncture i am finally healing after over 10 years of being diagnosed with Crohn's disease and no medication or Western doctors able to help. acupuncture: energy and chi]

2011-02-08T00:10:00.000-08:00

"language is a skin: i rub my language against the other. it is as if i had words instead of fingers, or fingers at the tip of my words. my language trembles with desire." -Barthes

can i get some substance please?

2011-02-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

i recently had the privilege of spending half a day with a dear friend of mine in Portland. over coffee we discussed our writing, our voice, our visions. she has a beautiful, influential blog as well, and we began to talk about what we post and what we send out into the world via blogspheres. i find myself writing less and less about crafts, fashion, interesting links, etc. i have been stirring to write more and more about real issues. i may not have a huge sphere of influence via my blog readers and those who stumble here to digest my scattered thoughts. for some reason, i get the feeling that many readers are not interested in reading about deeper social and world issues, and so i have slowly stopped writing as much. but i have been thinking. when i started this blog i had no "followers", and only wrote for myself and those close to me. over time, i found myself catering more and more to the types of posts that generated more followers and more comments. recently, i thought about deleting my blog even, because i felt like i had no more interest or time for writing in this place. but. i made a commitment to myself to be true to my heart and what is important to me. and so i will not delete peace & posies, but only begin to truly post writing of substance that matters to me. of course i would love to change the world, to rid it of poverty, pollution, violence and greed. i may not be able to change the world overnight, but there is one thing i can do. i have a voice. so i will use it, and use it strongly and loudly. if you are a follower, or just someone who finds themselves dropping by occasionally to hear my typically scattered thoughts try to find coherence, you can expect to read more about social injustices, literature that moves me, my heart poured out onto screen, and my passions (photography included).

self-love: the most important love of your life

2011-01-23T19:01:00.000-08:00

how is it that i have a deep desire to love people unconditionally, to pour out every emotion and all energy on those i love, and yet at the same time deep down believe that for one reason or another i am not worthy of this same love? there are days where i walk just slightly more stooped, my eyes averting anything with a breath. my body weighted with the ever so present shame of being me. the nagging thought that the first eye contact i make will at once give me away as a failure, this one person, in a glance, will of course proclaim to the world all of my insecurities and failures to be a normal, healthy, balanced human being. my deepest fear, that i am not lovable, my uncharacteristically strong emotions deeming me "crazy."

don't we all want to know that our deep human emotions are understood; that they connect us in ways that are at once abstruse and infinite? to be loved, empathized with and understood is one of the most profound underlying desires that separates humans from any other species.

love heals, love changes hearts and shapes bettering people, love breaks down walls and unites, love teaches and learns, love forgives, love knows no boundaries. we know this when we experience loving another person, when we experience another person loving us. yet, we forget this when we forget to love ourselves.

"we are surrounded by the unlimited nature of the presence of god almighty. call it life, the great power, cosmic intelligence, divine love, the beloved, or the great spirit; it is everywhere, being itself to the fullest. its nature is to radiate, shine, and express. we are its full image and likeness and have the faculty to reveal what it is as our life. we must place ourselves in the position to accept this reality. acceptance of this truth is based on our self-love and a deep sense of worthiness. it is awareness that there is something inherently right about us."

-Michael Bernard Beckwit

[image source: unknown]

Memory Palace

2011-01-06T10:54:00.000-08:00

[image via: Mary Keane]

"when we were only several hundred-thousand years old, we built stone circles, water clocks. later, someone forged an iron spring. set clockwork running. imagined grid-lines on a globe. cathedrals are like machines to finding the soul; bells of clock towers stitch the sleeper's dreams together. you see; so we've always been on our way to this new place -- that is no place, really -- but it is real. it's our nature to represent: we're the animal that represents, the sole and only maker of maps. and if our weakness has been to confuse the bright and bloody colors of our calendars with the true weather of days, and the parchment's territory of our maps with the land spread out before us -- never mind. we have always been on our way to this new place -- that is no place, really -- but it is real." -William Gibson

things are real and rich with meaning only because we believe they are. this search, continual expansion and revolutions, map the human need for something more, always. everything must be in it's place, must make sense, giving us a reason to be alive. our memories and stories beg us to give meaning to this whisper short life; dissipating as quickly as the candles we insist on blowing out every birthday, as if to mock the passing of each year that leads us only to our certain death.

2011-01-05T10:51:00.000-08:00

Mantras you shouldn't say:

"I don't know."

"I'm not ready."

"I can't do it."

[via: my daily cup of yogi tea. seriously. who knew a teabag could come with so much inspiration and wisdom?]

2011-01-05T10:36:00.000-08:00

[image via: h]

can i tell how great 2011 is already going?! my normal routine: roll out of bed 20 minutes before i need to be at class or work. drive there (without breakfast) and down at least 2 cups of coffee before i feel alive. eat something out. maybe visit a friend or two. drive home and watch whatever my parents are watching while i edit photos or do some homework, and of course never getting to bed until at least midnight. how my days have been going thus far (and not due to any resolution on new year's, but a few weeks before the new year i got tired of not being the fully healthy happy me i was capable of) : up early. yoga in the morning (always before i eat), but alas, i now have time to actually eat a healthy breakfast! time to put myself together and make my lunch (no more eating out). go to class or work and have more energy to put into it from yoga and healthy food than coffee could ever give me alone. head home to work on projects and actually get things done before i go to bed (at a reasonable time). i also drink green tea, am finally taking vitamins and natural herbal supplements at least 2 times a day and never go anywhere without a water bottle in hand (needless to say, i have to pee. A LOT).

I am sorry this post was probably very boring and ALL about ME, but i feel a million times better than i have in years, because i am actually taking care of myself first (before school, work, friends and the boy). my best friend has been telling me for years, "if you take care of yourself, your needs, desires, dreams, body even, everything else in your life will fall into place." she was right.

hello 2011.

2011-01-02T11:39:00.000-08:00

[image via: h]

i know my last post wasn't exactly cheery, but i really am excited about this new year with all of it's new possibilities! my best friend just moved to L.A. a few days ago, and you see, we have been best friends since we were 11 (that is about 15 years!). and we definitely haven't gone more than a couple days without seeing each other (omit vacations)... we even live down the street from each other. it was really hard to watch her leave, but i am so excited for her new adventures and the fact that she is following her dream. she is an incredible actress and she decided it was time to move somewhere where she can go even further in her career. so i am here in rainy Eugene, OR still, but her leaving feels bittersweet. it allows and pushes me to follow my heart (wherever that may lead!)

i currently have one term of school left. one! possibly a couple more if i decide to make my minor a second major. either way, i am almost done with school. i might stick around for possibly one more year here to save up money, but after that i am out to start my own adventures!

2010 was a good and bad year, with it's significant ups and downs. i struggled with school, a romantic relationship, starting a new job, etc. but. in the end, when i learned to let go of my need for control, to let go of fear and doubt, to trust my heart, and to begin to manifest positivity into my life, it all worked out in the end. i am doing well in school (on the right track to finishing!), have a wonderful boyfriend who continues to surprise me and love me more each day (and for the first time i feel lucky, and grateful that i trusted my heart to stick out the rough patches with patience and time), and am not only working the best shifts (no more nights and weekends!) but my photography business is really taking off (and i definitely couldn't be more excited about that!)

best part of 2010? finding my balance. acupuncture weekly, meditation, diet, having a bedtime (if you know me this one is pretty surprising), learning to have more patience and not let my emotions control me, and trusting in god (or my spirituality for that matter) has made a huge difference.

my 2011 new year's resolutions?

-being more reliable (thanks Sam!)

-learning more patience (still. i am really bad at this one :)

-learning to listen to my heart and actually follow it

-get my business out there more

-practice kindness and love (even when it is hard. that one is kind of for you Eli :)

-SAVE MONEY. this is a big one for me. i am bad at saving.

-start planning for the next adventure (which will hopefully include my next destination in life)

what are some of your new year's resolutions?

2010-12-30T00:55:00.000-08:00

sometimes i feel such sadness that i think, "this must be how a balloon feels; that at any moment i could burst into a million wrinkly pieces of rubber." boom.

worry: that silly five-letter word that knows each and every insecurity.

2010-12-22T00:29:00.000-08:00

worry. look it up in a thesaurus. go ahead.
anxiety. fear. doubt. heartache. heartache. did you know that something so silly and innocent as just worrying is anxiety, fear, doubt, and even heartache dressed up as something "mostly harmless"? ask anyone what they think about worry. most or many see it as something mostly harmless, i have discovered, because they think it is caution, care, empathy, etc. while it can be caused by all of these things, it is definitely not the same as these things.
i have always had a tendency to worry, and to let my wild imagination run away with negative fears of the worst situations possible. this is a dangerous thing. to ponder on negative situations not yet occurring, if the worry is strong enough, can manifest negativity into your life.
i am learning lately that there simply is no reason or benefit to worrying. you get back from the universe what you send out.
so next time you begin to worry, try reminding yourself of all the wonderful blessings and positivity in your life. practice daydreaming and imagining amazing positive situations; manifest your wildest dreams into actually happening. instead of imagining yourself as the damsel and victim, imagine yourself as the hero.

[image: unknown]

2010-12-05T14:38:00.000-08:00

"maybe love isn't something that happens to you. it's something you have to choose... there is no big movie moment, because you discover true love is a process, not an event." [love and other disasters]

the in between spaces [final digital class project]

2010-12-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

gathered inspiration

2010-12-01T20:37:00.000-08:00

i have been so busy this last week or two with holidays and being in the midst of finals. and therefore seem to have little or no time to post, but i have still been gathering inspiration from articles, artists, images, music, etc. from the web, and thought i would post some of those in the meantime.

-feminist art here
-interesting art pieces/links here
-pretty portraits here
-article about a new, horrid show here
-if you don't mind getting angry, this article will reveal the censorship and control our government still uses against anything that frightens them (restricting our rights as citizens to be and express freely our true selves).
-this beautiful, talented artist and dear friend of mine here
-a fun DIY project here
-20 things you learned in school that are wrong here
-pretty pencils here
-funny, heart-warming story here
-downtownfrombehind featuring artists and such from behind in downtown NYC on bikes! here

fulfillment as a precarious balancing act?

2010-11-18T13:08:00.000-08:00

human beings are undoubtedly the most precarious of creatures. i have been contemplating the most fulfilling relationships in my life lately. do they exist in those relationships that are easy, with people whom i completely understand and always have fun with, little to no fighting? or do they exist in those fragile bonds that teeter on a balancing act, with those opposites, whom have similarities but different enough to teach you and push you in every area you are weak, those relationships that seem to be the most exhausting? i think i have to consider that my best friend and boyfriend are both COMPLETE opposites to me. they are demanding and laborious. they are time-consuming, mentally arduous at times. always interesting; full of curiosity and surprises. but. if you can learn to teeter on that slippery slope of balance with someone who has so much to teach you, to help you grow and be strong where you are weak, i think my choice may reside with the latter. at least importantly for romantic relationships. not to diminish the bonds from like-minded souls at all, because they are wonderful hearts and shoulders who understand completely how to hold me up when needed most. these 2 opposites, however, have changed my life. they have fostered more growth in me than everyone else put together (not withstanding my family of course) and revealed myself to me in my most vulnerable state. it is learning to find that middle ground, to perfect that balancing act, that is so important with these people. i am learning that, in the long run, these relationships prove to carve away at me, to humble me and strip me bare. and you know what? these are the relationships i am most grateful for.

what do you think? [image via: h]

10 things i love

2010-11-17T13:30:00.000-08:00

1. go HERE, read the post, watch the video.

2. my rock climbing date with Shannon!

3. the side chignon how-to

4. Dan Eldon's inspiration/research journals

5. vintage typewriters [i finally got one! pics coming soon]

6. clawfoot tubs and walls the color of the ocean

7. WWOOF [worth looking into if you love to travel]

8. ruffles everywhere

9. superfoods!

10. this cover.

jamie's happy list!

2010-11-16T13:00:00.000-08:00

jamie from life as i know it was so kind to send over some of the things that make her happy, and i wanted to share them with all of you!

eating breakfast and watching the sunrise.

reading the last few pages of a book.

the way your head turns when eating a taco.

sharpies.

sleeping with three blankets because of the cold.

wood hangers.

a fresh stack of construction paper.

letters.

and smiles from strangers.

[i love them all! thanks jamie! i would love to see more happy lists from readers. if you'd like, send me yours in an e-mail to cassyandrabee@gmail.com]

2010-11-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

"photography is my skin. as membrane separating this from that, it fixes the point between, establishing my limit, the envelope in which I AM. my skin is image, surface, medium of recognition. existing out there, the photograph appears to duplicate the world, disclosing me within its virtual space." -Helen Chadwick

a day in the life.

2010-11-14T21:02:00.000-08:00

i started this blog not only as a source to pull inspiration from all over, but for personal reasons as well. as an online journal of sorts, a place to keep words, pictures and creations of my own. lately i have been realizing that it has become a sort of "curiosity cabinet" full of images, ideas, words from other people and places. which is okay, but i also feel as though i no longer post anything of substance from my life. and i have so much to share! i am a photographer who, by making it a career, has gotten into the habit of only using my cameras for professional uses. i remember when i got my first film camera, and how it was glued to my hip. i saw all of the world as fragments of photographs. i have forgotten to carry it with me everywhere, and in doing so, have lost that wonder for the world that photography captured for me. so i made a decision to carry my camera with me DAILY, and capture anything and everything that sparks my interest and is magical for me.

panoramas [for class] - pit/rest stops on I-5

2010-11-10T02:06:00.000-08:00

i've always had this eerie fascination and repulsion with pit stops. they are these static places that fall somewhere within the "in-between." a lonely stopping off point that always seems to be full of strangers never staying, but always coming and going. they typically aren't clean by any means, and tend to be somewhat "cold" and severe in their barren structure. resting, using the restroom, eating. these are all things that are necessary human actions, and in many ways are extremely vulnerable acts needed to survive. yet we all tend to be guarded and calculating when we begrudgingly pull over, wishing we had not drank that coffee so quickly or had gotten gas before leaving a well-lit parking lot next to a friendly supermarket. why do i hold my keys so close to my body and glance nervously about when i reluctantly pull over at a rest-stop? it feels as though i am in "no man's land," someplace where anything scary and uninviting can happen. or maybe sometimes it just feels like a chore interrupting my 1 hour and 27 min. calculated travel time to be safely at the next destination. so i began to wonder, while shooting this project, what connects me to the millions of other people who are stopping along the way on their journeys? is it the need to call home in an ancient telephone booth just to hear a familiar voice on the line, the warmth of a low-lit bar or diner where i can feed myself and at the same time avoid the pain or heartache that is awaiting the end of my journey? or maybe i just really, really have to pee. either way, it may be interesting, next time you stop off on a journey, to slow down and wonder at the stories and connections of all the people who pass you on this road. why is their heart breaking? why is it full of joy? what fuels their heart? we have basic, physical survival needs, but we also each have individual, penetrating emotional needs and connections for our hearts to be alive.

my happy list

2010-11-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

1. books, books, and more books [the written language]

2. women's history, movements, issues, stories

3. cameras, images, film

4. crafts, creating, projects

5. hot coffee on an early morning

6. my best and my boy of course [who always know exactly how to make me smile]

7. music, film, art

8. the ocean

9. new amazing friendships

10. acupuncture and meditation

what makes you happy today? i would love to post other blogger's happy lists too, if you send me them [with an image if you'd like].

10 things i love

2010-11-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

1. giant, over-sized, hand stitched bags.

2. THIS postsecret [i had to post 2 today, because this is an older one, but probably my fav. postsecret yet. keep questioning women's role in our society in relation to mens.]

3. if i could live here [like a fairy in the woods]

4. this piece [we are but ephemeral and impermanent beings]

5. this quote [via: Apartment 513]

6. Lanvin for H&M

7. a full moon

8. Turkish artist, Pinar Yolacan's meat dresses [via Italian Vogue]

9. this wonderful, wonderful video

10. this postsecret

Berry_Assignment 4_ contact sheets [for class]

2010-11-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

we feel fine

2010-10-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

If you have not yet had a chance to visit We Feel Fine, it is a phenomenal project worth checking out.

artist Jonathan Harris and Sep Kamvar created a program that studies human emotions and feelings from across the globe, by scanning the internet (blogs, sites, etc.) for sentences that include "I feel...," "I am feeling..." the result is several million human feelings gathered into one place.

the feelings are represented by floating dots, and each dot is a significant color according to the emotion.
there is an option titled montage at the bottom right corner and it gives you the choice to peruse feelings that are attached to images.
the dots are categorized by feeling, gender, age, weather and location.

don't we all want to know that our deep human emotions are understood; that they connect us in ways that are at once abstruse and infinite? to be loved, empathized with and understood is one of the most profound underlying desires (even subconsciously) that separates humans from any other species.

i apologize in advance if you spend hours on this site. it is intriguing.

color balance ring-around [for class]

2010-10-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

i can't decide which color i like best. the original is in the middle.

description without place

2010-10-23T00:06:00.000-07:00

these are the actual seemings that we see,

hear, feel, and know. we feel and know them so.

if seeming is description without place,

the spirit's universe, then a summer's day,

even the seeming of a summer's day,

is description without place. it is a sense

to which we refer experience, a knowledge

incognito, the column in the desert,

on which the dove alights. description

is composed of a sight indifferent to the eye.

the future is description without place,

the categorical predicate, the arc.

description is revelation. it is not

the thing described, nor false facsimile.

it is an artificial thing that exists,

in its own seeming, plainly visible...

thus the theory of description matters most.

it is the theory of the word for those

for whom the word is the making of the world,

the buzzing world and lisping firmament.

it is a world of words to the end of it,

in which nothing solid is its solid self.

it matters, because everything we say

of the past is description without place, a cast

of the imagination, made in sound;

and because what we say of the future must portend,

be alive with its own seemings, seeming to be

like rubies reddened by rubies reddening.

-Wallace Stevens, "Description without Place"

what the world looks like through 10 different sets of eyes

2010-10-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

the 10/10/10 project.

10 photographers. 10 photos each. All taken on 10/10/10.
A single day represented in 100 photographs.

2010-10-20T15:01:00.000-07:00

i pass this sign at least once a week. it is posted to a tree on a busy street right in front of a stop sign, and each time i stop there i read it out loud. the first time i read it, i exclaimed, "of course!" every time i pass it now i smile, and remind myself of this simple message that can change so much. so i did. i drove like i love everyone. i was patient, slowed down to let people over, waved, and even smiled at passing cars. i know this probably doesn't seem like much, but for me patience is something i have to try hard for and work at. and my initial narcissistic thought was that i would be brightening other driver's days. but you know what? i brightened my own. i felt more relaxed, less stressed, and patient. a simple message we should all remember is that loving others betters ourselves in the process

what i've found

2010-10-14T17:51:00.000-07:00

Licia Ronzulli, Italy's MEP, carried her baby strapped onto her chest for a voting session to draw attention to women's rights.

[via: A CUP OF JO]

Thank you Licia Ronzulli!

Dalton Ghetti creates art on tips of pencils

this how-to guide for cute elbow patches

beautiful photographs by Phillip

Irene Jung's unique handcrafted line of necklaces

Raw Color Global Correction [for class]

2010-10-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

hair envy

2010-10-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

big, curly, long, red, braids.

Incomplete Manifesto for Growth [the only condensed self-help "book" for any creative soul that you will ever need.]

2010-10-07T14:33:00.000-07:00

-Bruce Mau

[now i know that this is sort of a long list, but i cannot begin to tell you how wonderful, insightful, life-changing, and much needed it is for my life and many other creative individuals. READ IT. print it out. re-read it whenever you begin to forget it. i think i have at least 3 copies of it.]

1. allow events to change you. you have to be willing to grow. growth is different from something that happens to you. you produce it. you live it. the prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them.

2. forget about good. good is a known quantity. good is what we all agree on. growth is not necessarily good. growth is an exploration of unlit recesses that may or may not yield to our research. as long as you stick to good you'll never have real growth.

3. process is more important than outcome. when the outcome drives the process we will only ever go where we've already been. if process drives outcome we may not know where we're going, but we will know we want to be there.

4. love your experiments (as you would an ugly child). joy is the engine of growth. exploit the liberty in casting your work as beautiful experiments, iterations, attempts, trials, and errors. take the long view and allow yourself the fun of failure every day.

5. go deep. the deeper you go the more likely you will discover something of value.

6. capture accidents. the wrong answer is the right answer in search of a different question. collect wrong answers as part of the process. ask different questions.

7. study. a studio is a place of study. use the necessity of production as an excuse to study. everyone will benefit.

8. drift. allow yourself to wander aimlessly. explore adjacencies. lack judgment. postpone criticism.

9. begin anywhere. john cage tells us that not knowing where to begin is a common form of paralysis. his advice: begin anywhere.

10. everyone is a leader. growth happens. whenever it does, allow it to emerge. learn to follow when it makes sense. let anyone lead.

11. harvest ideas. edit applications. ideas need a dynamic, fluid, generous environment to sustain life. applications, on the other hand, benefit from critical rigor. produce a high ratio of ideas to applications.

12. keep moving. the market and its operations have a tendency to reinforce success. resist it. allow failure and migration to be art of your practice.

13. slow down. desynchronize from standard time frames and surprising opportunities may present themselves.

14. don't be cool. cool is conservative fear dressed in black. free yourself from limits of this sort.

15. ask stupid questions. growth is fueled by desire and innocence. asses the answer, not the question. imagine learning throughout your life at the rate of an infant.

16. collaborate. the space between people working together is filled with conflict, friction, strife, exhilaration, delight, and vast creative potential.

17.________________________. intentionally left blank. allow space for the ideas you haven't had yet, and for the ideas of others.

18. stay up late. strange things happen when you've gone too far, been up too long, worked too hard, and you're separated from the rest of the world.

19. work the metaphor. every object has the capacity to stand for something other than what is apparent. work on what it stands for.

20. be careful to take risks. time is genetic. today is the child of yesterday and the parent of tomorrow. the work you produce today will create your future.

21. repeat yourself. if you like it, do it again. if you don't like it, do it again.

22. make your own tools. hybridize your tools in order to build unique things. even simple tools that are your own can yield entirely new avenues of exploration. remember, tools amplify our capacities, so even a small tool can make a big difference.

23. stand on someone's shoulders. you can travel farther carried on the accomplishments of those who came before you. and the view is so much better.

24. avoid software. the problem with software is that everyone has it.

25. don't clean your desk. you might find something in the morning that you can't see tonight.

26. don't enter awards competitions. just don't. it's not good for you.

27. read only left-hand pages. Marshall McLuhan did this. by decreasing the amount of information, we leave room for what he called our "noodle."

28. make new words. expand the lexicon. the new conditions demand a new way of thinking. the thinking demands new forms of expression. the expression generates new conditions.

29. think with your mind. forget technology. creativity is not device-dependent.

30. organization = liberty. real innovation in design, or any other field, happens in context. that context is usually some form of cooperatively managed enterprise. Frank Gehry, for instance, is only able to realize Bilbao because his studio can deliver it on budget. the myth of a split between "creatives" and "suits" is what Leonard Cohen calls a 'charming artifact of the past.'

31. don't borrow money. once again, Frank Gehry's advice. by maintaining financial control, we maintain creative control. it's not exactly rocket science, but it's surprising how hard it is to maintain this discipline, and how many have failed.

32. listen carefully. every collaborator who enters our orbit brings with him or her a world more strange and complex than any we could ever hope to imagine. by listening to the details and the subtlety of their needs, desires, or ambitions, we fold their world onto our own. neither party will ever be the same.

33. take field trips. the bandwidth of the world is greater than that of your TV set, or the Internet, or even a totally immersive, interactive, dynamically rendered, object-oriented, real-time, computer graphic-simulated environment.

34. make mistakes faster. this isn't my idea -- i borrowed it. i think it belongs to Andy Grove.

35. imitate. don't be shy about it. try to get as close as you can. you'll never get all the way, and the separation might be truly remarkable. we have only to look to Richard Hamilton and his version of Marcel Duchamp's large glass to see how rich, discredited, and underused imitation is as a technique.

36. scat. when you forget the words, do what Ella did: make up something else... but not words.

37. break it, stretch it, bend it, crush it, crack it, fold it.

38. explore the other edge. great liberty exists when we avoid trying to run with the technological pack. we can't find the leading edge because it's trampled underfoot. try using old-tech equipment made obsolete by an economic cycle but still rich with potential.

39. coffee breaks, cab rides, green rooms. real growth often happens outside of where we intend it to, in the interstitial spaces -- what Dr. Seuss calls "the waiting place." Hans Ulrich Obrist once organized a science and art conference with all of the infrastructure of a conference -- the parties, chats, lunches, airport arrivals - but with no actual conference. apparently it was hugely successful and spawned many ongoing collaborations.

40. avoid fields. jump fences. disciplinary boundaries and regulatory regimes are attempts to control the wielding of creative life. they are often understandable efforts to order what are manifold, complex, evolutionary processes. our job is to jump the fences cross the fields.

41. laugh. people visiting the studio often comment on how much we laugh. since i've become aware of this, i use it as a barometer of how comfortably we are expressing ourselves.

42. remember. growth is only possible as a product of history. without memory, innovation is merely novelty. history gives growth a direction. but a memory is never perfect. every memory is a degraded or composite image of a previous moment or event. that's what makes us aware of its quality as a past and not a present. it means that every memory is new, a partial construct different from its source, and, as such, a potential for growth itself.

43. power to the people. play can only happen when people feel they have control over their lives. we can't be free agents if we're not free.

10 things i love

2010-10-04T21:44:00.000-07:00

1. my mom

2. having a patient boyfriend [god knows i am not easy to be with.]

3. this DIY yoga bag. [via: freepeople]

4. yoga and meditation. [and acupuncture.. which i just started and is amazing. more to come about that soon!][via: h]

5. hot chocolate [especially peppermint. especially with sprinkles.]

6. feathers [i collect ones that i find so i can make pretty things with them.]

7. the full moon [and all its connotations... i am a moonchild i guess]

8. fresh fruit for breakfast

9. this postsecret [p.s. the energy is worth it]

10. canoes [i REALLY want one]

post-it love.

2010-09-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

i love notes. especially love notes. what a nice surprise to be reminded of how much you are loved when you least expect it! i carry a pad of post-it stickies in my purse just in case.. for just such an occasion.

j'espere.

2010-09-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

faith. how do you have hope in the darkest of hours? today, i sat down to write, to let the words and raw emotions gush out my fingertips and across a dim computer screen. and for what? to better understand this deep aching in my chest? to help cope with heart-wrenching news? for support, connection; those 5 or 6 comments reverberating understanding? no. seconds, minutes, hours crawl by, and the small, vibrating cursor doesn't miss a beat. a white, blank screen glares back at me. still. when words eventually begin to stammer across an uninterested, lifeless screen, it is the act of disappearing that flows from the letters splashing accordingly from left to right. with each word i feel myself falling away, melting into the incessant clicks and blending with the glow that reaches out to seep through my permeable skin.

today. today. today i found out. today i found out that my mother's cancer has come back, aggressively. part of me begs to become invisible and fall away. to run from this fear, this panic, this pain. but.

her strength is my strength. this beautiful woman who scooped me up with bloody knees, held my hand on my first day of school, listened attentively as i poured my heart out over the first boy who ever broke it. i have silently watched and admired my mother through the years, watching numerous people gravitate towards her light. full of more life than anyone to ever touch mine. and still she smiles through her tears and proclaims strength and healing.

after 2 years of french classes one of the only words that has really stuck is this:

"j'espere"

"i hope"

when she told me not to worry, that she was full of hope, "j'espere" was stuck on repeat in my head.

she has taught me to have faith. to believe. because without hope we have nothing. life is funny and ironic, and it certainly is not fair. maybe, as humans knowing this, we hold on to that which resembles and interprets "hope." our brains catch small snippets, claiming, "aha! i know someday i will need this to survive." like an insurance policy. just to be safe. it will murmur, "remember to have hope." sometimes, when life becomes almost unbearable and we begin to drop to our knees it will scream, "do not give up! there is always hope!"

it is said that one of the biggest factors and differences between surviving and non-surviving cancer patients is their attitude. their optimism, hope, and strength. the will to survive and belief in it is extremely powerful. overcoming great odds, creating miracles every day.

so i hope. j'espere.

2010-09-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

"a real life doesn't mean getting what you want; the achievement, the privilege, too, is knowing what you love. but getting what you love? having what you love love you back? oh, my friend, it's miracle: your one tiny life's head-on collision with divinity." -Marisa de los Santos

if my life adheres to this statement, i must confess, that i do find myself extremely privileged. and experiencing these tiny head-on collisions with divinity day in and day out makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

because summer lovin' is the best kind of lovin'

2010-09-12T23:57:00.000-07:00

i had an amazing weekend at the beach.

how was everyone else's weekend?

DIY friendship necklace

2010-09-10T16:05:00.000-07:00

i absolutely LOVE these necklaces. i want to make one for everyone that i love! HERE are the directions.

the best of both worlds.

2010-09-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

i recently saw this quote on a friend's facebook profile:

follow the dream doesn't mean leave the love. roam if you must, but come home when you've seen enough.

and i started thinking about The Alchemist:

"You must understand that love never keeps a man from pursuing his destiny. If he abandons that pursuit, it's because it wasn't true love … the love that speaks the language of the world." -Paulo Coelho [The Alchemist]

i live my life in a constant state of worry at times. terrified that the people that i love, the ones who feel like soul mates, will go off on some journey and leave me behind. being a roamer at heart, in a constant state of restlessness, i think my biggest fear is that i will lose things i love to my unsettled spirit. when time and time again, those people who are destined to be an important part of my life pop up over and over. i am learning to have faith in life, in myself, and in those people. i am learning that you can follow your dreams, you can roam and live an adventurous journey, and that those people can be there at your side. you see, i have had this idea stuck in my head: you have to pick a life with a loved one/s OR live an adventurous life on your own (leaving everything behind.) but i am beginning to realize that you don't need to choose one or the other. you can have both, and when it's right, you will have both.

hello fall.

2010-09-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

it is raining here in the beginning of September. it feels like fall is coming.

why it isn't all bad for summer to be almost over:

it is time for new rain boots [via: h]

it is time to bring out my reading glasses and get ready for the 17 credits i am taking this fall term [via: h]

it is time to start drinking HOT coffee in the mornings [via: h]

it is time to get cozy indoors with books and such.

it is time to break out the thick sweaters, oversized hats, and comfy boots.

it is time to buy film for new photo classes!

it is time to sleep in just a little later.

what do you look forward to for fall?

elephant graveyards

2010-08-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

"And we will be ready, at the end of every day will be ready, will not say no to anything, will try to stay awake while everyone is sleeping, will not sleep, will make the shoes with the elves, will breathe deeply all the time, breathe in all the air full of glass and nails and blood, will breathe it and drink it, so rich, so when it comes we will not be angry, will be content, tired enough to go, gratefully, will shake hands with everyone, bye, bye, and then pack a bag, some snacks, and go to the volcano." -Dave Eggers [A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius]

there is a legend that is based on different facts that assume that elephants are emotionally aware and bonded enough that they travel to the same place to die near the remains of "family members." only humans and a couple other species of animals have been known to show any kind of awareness to the remains of their species. i was discussing with a friend recently this surprising ritual, and she cited to me an article she read on elephants that went as far as dragging the bodies of other elephants who did not travel to the graveyard to be buried with the remains of the rest.
as i lay in bed last night, staring at the ceiling and unable to sleep, i wondered at the bonds that elephants create within their "groups" or "family." they never dismember, always sticking together, even after death.
and then i wondered about our own rituals. about death and life. about family and love. don't the elephants have the right idea? isn't that what we are all searching for? that bond, that connection, that love that sets us apart from other herds or groups in and outside our species. someone who will never leave. someone who will take care of you, love you, stand up for you, support you, cry with and for you, and protect you, even in death. someone who will love you. all of you. even the parts you are ashamed of.
but most of all. someone who will experience every part of this scary life with you. you may take chances in life, but what is life if you aren't brave enough to take a chance on love, and when you do, to fight for it?

your body. your food.

2010-08-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

i just finished the documentary Food, Inc. if you have not seen this film yet, PLEASE watch it. it is eye-opening and at times even shocking. we only have 1 body and 1 life, we should be taking care of it to the best of our abilities. our nation's mass food producers are controlling the majority of food we put into our bodies. they are controlling our health. we should all make it a priority to be more knowledgable and aware of the effects these companies are having on our families and lives.

ways you can take a more active part in your diet and health, and live a longer, healthier and sustainable life:

-shop at local farmer's markets
-buy organic
-read labels
-research the brands and companies of food you are purchasing
-buy in seasons
-tell others

10 things i love

2010-08-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

1. lofts and attics turned secret small rooms

2. cuddling when i'm sick. [image via: h]

3. being a vegatarian for 2 months now [which may not be for everybody, but has significantly improved my health]

4. the hike i am planning with friends at the South Sister in Oregon

5. TOMS new corduroy shoes...

6. moving home [just for a bit] to save money and pay off loans.

7. Sandy and the 1000 Paper Cranes [via: Happiness Is]

8. 7 ancient excersizes you can do anywhere: HERE

9. this postsecret. [i NEVER wear socks...]

10. DIY tie dye bag. [DIRECTIONS: HERE]

2010-08-23T17:24:00.000-07:00

sometimes we need to make lists to remind us of what is important in our lives and how to get there.

[found via: freepeople]

what would your list say?

dog days are over

2010-08-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

song on repeat: Dog Days Are Over: Florence And The Machine

did i mention that everything is turning around in my life (in this 24th year)? this song is my soundtrack. happiness is pouring from every facet of my life, light shining through every pore of mine. huge changes are happening in this big heart of mine. more to come on all the reasons for this overwhelming joy.....

new photo blog... and i am done with site updates after this. i promise.

2010-08-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

after launching my site, i took about a week to finish my new photo blog. so if you are interested in seeing some more pretty pictures taken by me.. or just feel curious, check it out here.
thanks :)

my new website!

2010-08-11T13:14:00.000-07:00

i have my very own FIRST official website, launched today. i am so excited, and i really hope it looks good. please check it out!

cassy berry photography

[i'm still working on a splash page and a NEW photo blog, but i wanted to get it up and running.]

diy's

2010-08-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

if you spend any amount of time with me at all you will soon realize i think i can make EVERYTHING. a common response to come out of my mouth when shopping with friends is, "i love it! but i could make that," or, "don't buy that! i could make it much cheaper for you." i just decided to make the shower curtain and duvet cover that i have been wanting... why? because i not only will be saving a lot of money, but creating always sounds like so much fun. even though sometimes it is nice to save time and just buy certain things, and many times i get too busy to make EVERYTHING. all this being said, i am constantly bookmarking DIY yourself projects to add to my list of things to create. i figured maybe i should share my finds, in case anyone else loves to make everything and anything they can buy too.

DIY Project #1 : fabric covered vases

directions HERE

wisdom from my cup of tea

2010-08-05T17:11:00.000-07:00

Let love elevate your self to excellence.

[yogi tea prints inspirational quotes on each tea bag. this one struck me as especially true. i think, many times, we forget just how much love can change who we are. when nothing else can touch us deep down to the core, love can. love heals, shapes, forgives, teaches. those who teach us to love reveal our own hearts, direct us in ways we may never be fully cognizant of. i am eternally grateful to everyone who has taught me how to love, and to love better. i hope those who run scared from love can see it for what it truly is, and embrace it's capacity to create our best selves.]

10 things i love [about my life right now]

2010-08-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

1. spending all morning and afternoon in bed

2. changing my bedroom [to feel closer to the ocean]

♥3. nightly routines are more fun with 2

4. having lots of summer time to read all the books on my shelves

5. hiking a few times a week [now part of my routine -partly training for hiking the South Sister in Bend, OR]

6. saving money for important things [like travel]

7. making rainbow cupcakes at midnight [just because i feel like it]

8. laying in the bathtub after a long day

9. making smoothies with my neighbor on a hot day [then getting locked out of my apartment because i am so excited to eat them on the patio]

10. finding good homes for my sweet kittens

living simply

2010-07-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

my life got a tad (and when i say tad, i really mean overwhelmingly) chaotic and stormy this last year. i have turned over a new leaf this year and am learning to grow and find peace deep down in my bones, to hear my heart when it speaks ever so softly, and to hope, be oh so hopeful. part of the process that is getting me there is learning to weed my life. learning to live simply. if you could be in my head for a day, not to sound extremely self-involved, but you might go crazy. voices, doubts, passions, reality checks, reminders, memories, voices, hundreds of voices, all talking over each other. it is like static, loud and jarring, constantly blurring my vision, sending me into a state of catatonic confusion. i can never just sit in silence and hear my own thoughts, my own heart whispering direction. so i decided to weed.

took HALF my closet to a second hand store, and if you know me you might be slightly in shock right at this moment.

sold my books back to a new and used bookstore (also a pretty big deal, because my books are like my plants. like my pets. like children.)

got rid of knick knacks around my apartment, etc.

deleted half of the people i am "friends with" on facebook.

i have no internet, no tv.

the first step to feeling fulfilled (for me of course, this may not be for everyone) was learning to live simply. i realized that i treasure things like: family time, traveling, adventures with friends, outdoor activities immersed in nature, and spontaneity. i am working to pay off debts so that i can live without feeling tied down by anything material.

i know this sounds like a ridiculously cheesy self-help book, one that might be titled something such as: How to Live a Fulfilling Life in a World Consumed by Consumers

but for the first time in a VERY long time, i can hear my heart whispering. i can sit in silence and be quiet in my own head. i can feel peace saturating my skin and spreading through my muscles, reaching its soft, silky fingers around the small bones and joints in my fingers and toes.

be hopeful.

2010-07-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

after having a particularly difficult day and feeling a tad disillusioned, i turned to my dear and wise friend Sam for some love and encouraging advice. what do you do when you feel confused, lost, lonely, at a loss for what to do and where to go next in your life?

she didn't say things that we expect to hear like, "stay strong, you'll get through it," or, "go out and do some activities that make you happy," or, "talk to someone about your feelings," or, "evaluate your life and choices you are making." not that all of these pieces of advice are bad, because there is an obvious reason they are common.

but. i realized that Sam just "gets it."

sometimes in life, there is nothing we can do or think to change a situation or natural human emotion. because they are part of life too; just like the ups that keep us moving forward with the memories of how joyful and fulfilling life can be.

but being human means being vulnerable. living life to the fullest means being brave, exposing yourself, knowing that there will be times you have to pull yourself back up. this is what she said to me, "be so hopeful."
[image via: h]

2010-07-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

"i knew what i'd do when he got here. i would leap. i would stare down doubt and fear and choose joy." -Marisa de los Santos [Belong to Me]

The Ladder

2010-07-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

the always inspirational Jessica Valle, on top of having incredibly beautiful photographs, also has an incredibly beautiful singing voice. i love Andrew Belle, and she covered his song "The Ladder". please visit her blog and follow the link to download the song.

lucky girl

2010-07-20T00:41:00.000-07:00

yesterday was my 24th (lucky year) bday, and it could not have possibly been any more perfect. [well save for the absence of 1 person..] but i am so grateful and thankful for all the beautiful people who fill my life with more love and joy than i knew was possible. i am so lucky and blessed.

my day included: breakfast with my best friend, wine tasting at a beautiful winery with the ladies, hearty italian food with family and friends for dinner, and 4 bouquets of flowers, 3 bottles of wine, 2 books, lots of laughs and tears (happy of course) and half a piece of chocolate cake later i was peacefully snoring on my parents couch.

this year has started out exactly as it should: on its way back up.

Let's Colour

2010-07-14T16:39:00.000-07:00

Let's Colour Project

have i mentioned how much i love color? this is an amazing project, and seeing it happen worldwide makes me so happy. HERE is the website you can go to for more information and how to get involved [i already signed up :) ]

2010-07-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

sometimes i live too much in the future. i am a dreamer by nature, and i have a tendency to allow my imagination to get out of control. i forget that life is the present, and that the only thing we can be sure of, the truth, is the moment you are living in. each breath in and out assures us that, yes, we are in fact scarily, delicately, and yes even at times desperately alive.

[image via: h]

2010-07-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

today, i felt lonely. in the midst of family, friends and crowds of people, i felt lost inside my skin. as if i might wander out, bones and all, in search of what? in that moment i realized that it's okay to feel lonely, because running from loneliness only disables our hearts.
so i allowed myself to fully feel the one human emotion that is dreaded most. i closed my eyes, and embraced the deep ache that reverberated in the stillness, that silence that says, "it's only me and you now." and you know what came with that loneliness that wound itself tightly around me? a certain peace, a comfort, a sigh of relief that i allowed every inch of my body to embody those profound aches that carry loneliness forward, and alas, it did not kill me.

[i would like to also note that i did not wallow in loneliness and continue to do so for days. i let it sink in and saturate to its full capacity, and then acknowledging it, i moved forward and reminded myself how surrounded and loved i am by beautiful people.]

10 things i love [that are changing my life]

2010-07-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

1. not limiting my biggest dreams and aspirations

2. being patient [and hopeful]

3. giving myself alone time

4. writing

5. yoga, running, hiking, climbing

6. sleeping more

7. creating again

8. living in the moment [and being okay with the past being behind and unknown future ahead]

9. weeding my social life. [and focusing more on the important, positive people who speak light into my life]

10. my diet changes

[images via: h, h, h, h]

film: what i'm waiting to watch

2010-07-07T21:08:00.000-07:00

Eat Pray Love

thoughts on the magic of fireworks... and how the 4th of July jump-started my heart.

2010-07-06T15:39:00.000-07:00

my bday is coming up, and i will be 24 on July 18th! this last year has been a pretty rough, emotional, stress-filled one, and probably one of my hardest and most confusing yet. but. i have grown in some much needed, beautiful ways.

as the days fall away, and i inch closer to this next year of my life, i have been bewildered with the changes i am going through each moment. i am overwhelmed with this odd sensation of the beginning manifestations of utter and complete joy.

while watching the magnificent firework display on the waterfront with a dear friend of mine, i was overcome with the profound emotions that arose from those bright balls of color. there really is something magical and awe-inspiring about fireworks. i felt as if i was a child once again, capable of believing in everything and anything. and yet. shouldn't we try to capture this state of being every day in our lives?

fireworks originally derive from the Chinese as an effort to scare away evil spirits and to pray for happiness and prosperity. how fitting and sincere. those magical explosions of color and light seemed to scare away the last bit of blues in my soul, and halfway through the show i caught myself mid-prayer [asking God, the universe, whathaveyou] to freeze my emotions in this bewitching, content state i had unknowingly stumbled into.

i can't remember the last time i felt this way without it being attached or related to some sort of social interaction/activity, boyfriend of sorts, fun day with friends, shopping or traveling. i feel a complete peace and happiness from nowhere but within! [note the exclamation mark, because there were points that i felt i would never get here.] alas, HERE I AM! and i couldn't be more ecstatic.

[note: i don't leave my fate completely up to the universe and hope happiness is always hovering somewhere near. i must divulge that i have been making tangible choices and changes in my life towards things and behaviors that i have concluded will bring me joy. in recent, i have changed health habits, thought patterns, weeded negative people and behaviors out, and began to look within. i am in the process of asking myself some pretty valuable and tough questions. what do i want for my life? from my life? what are my deepest dreams and desires? why have i not been happy? WHO AM I? i hope that you take note on the importance of our actions and input into our lives to bring about positive, fruitful living.]

messages from soul mates

2010-06-24T16:30:00.000-07:00

i want this year to be over, and both of us to be happy. -C

me too. this year feels like a test. -Ch

what kind of test? -C

a test of strength and maturity. -Ch

well i'm not sure what other obstacles could possibly be worse than this year. -C

yeah, but you're going to pass the test with flying colors. life isn't always easy, but if you stay true to yourself it will always be rewarding. -Ch

2010-06-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

"Let's face it. We're undone by each other. And if we're not, we're missing something. This seems so clearly the case with grief, but it can be so only because it was already the case with desire. One does not always stay intact. One may want to, or manage to for awhile, but despite one's best efforts, one us undone, in the face of the other, by the touch, by the scent, by the feel, by the prospect of the touch, by the memory of the feel." -Judith Butler [Precarious Life: Violence, Mourning, Politics]

and in those moments, when i am acutely aware of being alone, after a time of being immersed in him, it is his scent in me that sends me over the edge. the smell of him on my skin, in my sheets, haunts the memories where he exists. in light of this perforation, how do i refrain from dissolving under this profound ache he creates in the center of my being?

2010-06-06T21:23:00.000-07:00

"i am a jumble of passions, misgivings, and wants. it seems that i am always in a state of wishing and rarely in a state of contentment." -Libba Bray [The Sweet Far Thing]

[i am always living in my head. dreaming. i never know what i want or need, or maybe i know what i want, but am never positive it is what i need. how do you learn to listen to your heart, when your head is always someplace else? i wish i knew how to let things go, and to hold on to those that matter.]

10 things i love sunday

2010-05-30T23:18:00.000-07:00

1. finally having a light heart

2. dancing on my bed (via: plpz)

3. vintage floral prints

4. floor length dresses (i just bought 3 for the summer)

5. flowered headbands

6. this van.

7. i finally went for it and put teal and royal blue in my hair.

8. Nikki Farquharson

9. a big pot of herbs (via: Create)

10. Barcelona, Spain (i need to get out of this city before i go insane)

spaces that define us

2010-05-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

i am considering moving... and/or redecorating.

henrique oliveira - breathing walls

2010-05-25T21:19:00.000-07:00

artist Henrique Oliveira collects recycled wood from around his hometown of São Paulo, Brazil and creates wood sculptures that burst and bulge from gallery walls. they become a part of the space that surrounds them, bringing the walls to life.

looking at these images online only makes me wish i could see them in person. i can imagine that they would force anyone in their presence to acknowledge the life that exudes from spaces that we exist in. how do we define ourselves within the context of what surrounds us, and the structures we create within those spaces to encase us furthermore? moreover, how do they define us?

what do you think about this work? [i am in love]

style icon: francoise hardy

2010-05-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

a French singer, actress and astrologer from the 60s and 70s. a fashion, music and style icon til this day.

10 things i love sunday

2010-05-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

1. teal

3. out of focus images with lots of bokeh

4. this image [via: Elle.Photography]

5. this piece of artwork [and this notion]

6. this postsecret [would it be so bad if i wished for you?]

7. this woman's great jewelry

8. this look: elegantly messy [via: pretty.little.world]

9. playing scrabble with a certain someone [even if i have yet to beat him]

10. getting pedicures from my mama (who is the best mother ever) [image via: h]

to my beautiful readers. a gift just for you.

2010-05-19T22:48:00.000-07:00

so i decided that i shall be doing a give-away either monthly or bi-monthly. over the past couple months my heart has had plenty of ups and downs, and i have had some of the most beautiful encouragement and love from readers (old and new) who have given me strength in moments that i needed it most. i really do hope all of you know how much you have healed my heart and continue to give me hope DAILY. [especially ones who have reached out to contact me via comments, e-mail, or facebook.] now i want to say thank you to all of you, and send you some love straight from me! i decided to start with these 8x10 matted flower images of mine (any one of your choice!) just leave a comment with your e-mail or someway to contact you and i will choose someone at random on Monday of this coming week!

[also.. if you have any ideas of images and/or other items that you would like to see be given away, i would love some feedback! ...and would be happy to oblige]

Secret #1

2010-05-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

i am terrified for what this next year of my life will bring.

2010-05-19T22:05:00.000-07:00

"It may be that when we no longer know what to do we become our real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go we have come to our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings." -Wendell Berry

[the 23rd year of my life has been the hardest yet, and i have been grasping at any way to analyze it, avoid it and run from it. i have swung between getting my BFA next year, graduating after summer term, making my minor my 2nd major and graduating next spring, and traveling all next year. as you can see there are plenty of options, and i have been feeling so lost and confused as to what the right path is for me. when you feel lost the voices of everyone around you twist you more and more into a bundle, until nothing makes sense anymore.
so i have begun to drown out the voices, listen to my heart. nothing has felt "right." you know when you come to a crossroads or make an important choice and your heart just seems to sigh, "ahhh of course. it was you all along." well i have been waiting for that sigh. i just decided to make my minor a 2nd major, and am looking into studying abroad for some or most of of next year (if it is at all possible.) and for now, this feels right.
it is time for me to stop running. because in new places, with new people, these hurts and confusions, scars and fear will surface again. it doesn't matter where you stand in the world, but how you learn to shine whatever phase your in.]

10 things i love sunday

2010-05-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

1. having a mustache party with one of my best friends/soul mates [she makes me smile, and fills my heart with so much love exactly when i need it most. i love you alli]

2. finding my next art day project [i think i'll hang them in all my windows with some air plants inside]

3. finding out [today] that there is a big possibility i will still be able to do my BFA and live in another country at the same time! [2 birds with 1 stone :) ]

4. this house [wishing i could shoot here]

5. finally grasping the concept of time as being the only thing to reveal the truth [and being okay with it]

6. a tattoo of 2 of my favorite things: birds and feathers

7. this smart little piece of advice

8. Swiss artist Cornelia Hesse-Honegger's illustrations of deformed bugs collected near nuclear facilities.

9. flowy fabrics and ruffles

10. this series [i know the covers are terrible, but if you loved the fantasy escape, excitement, love story and drama provided by the twilight or harry potter series... read these]

once i wanted to be the greatest

2010-05-09T23:27:00.000-07:00

And then came the rush of the flood
The stars at night turned deep to dust

Melt me down into big black armour
Leave no trace of grace

Lower me down
pin me in
Secure the grounds for the lead and the dregs of my bed

i've been sleeping for the later parade

if i had to choose a soundtrack or song for my life right now. this would be it. i've hit my lowest of lows, been humbled by multiple circumstances/situations/people, and been forced to make choices that will alter the course of my life in unmeasurable ways. i had in some ways become someone i never wanted to be, someone too prideful, [at times] an overconfident "know it all", and cruel in my response to pain. when collective situations [fate if you will] bring you to your knees, you no longer care about what you look like, who you impress, or how the world sees you. in my pain there are layers of hurt that i have begun to peel away. i have been asleep to who i really am and what my heart has to say, but i have complete faith that this time in my life was a divine destination [for that later parade.]

i turned down an extra year at the university [a mini MFA if you will] to graduate after one more term with my BA, and i am planning on starting new. new isn't quiet right. fresh i should say. new never exists when it comes to matters of the heart. we are all a combination of experiences, people in our lives, loves, losses, etc. it is utterly impossible to erase anything from our lives that has shaped who we are in each given moment. but it is fully possible to wake up one day, and instead of cringing away from the grotesque wounds we carry, we smile at the scars that have healed into something solid and real. they remind us of the continual fight we have to emerge into something tangible and substantial. they become a part of us, where without them we could not identify so easily with others or ourselves.

change, hardship, heartache is difficult. i have good days and bad days. but each morning i wake up and feel my heart flutter just a teensy bit more. with each labored step i take i can feel my heart awakening, to what i cannot say, but there is one thing i can be sure of. it is full of hope and light.

Happy Mothers Day

2010-05-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

so sick.

2010-05-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

i have been so miserable the last couple days. i caught some kind of bug and have been cooped up in my bed. i have so much to do, but am pretty much incapacitated.

so i have a book, my laptop and plenty of photos to edit... but i certainly have no creative juices flowing. ugh. i hate being sick.

10 things i love sunday

2010-05-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

1. in light of the recent oil spill: finding ways to reduce your dependence upon it, and steering towards renewable resources/energy

2. feeling like a mermaid

3. art installations that interact with the environment

4. this quote from:

"To be human is to feel all the emotions available on the spectrum. I sometimes want to cry out that to accept where you are right at this moment is to be free. The problem comes in when those emotions, whether happiness or sadness, take over. Then we are no longer who we are – we have instead become the emotion."

5. hang drying your clothes on a clothesline [you can feel good too, because it is energy efficient!]

6. building a fort to read in with my best friend

7. this postsecret

8. these tempting 10 reasons to delete your facebook account. [i have to say if i didn't use mine for networking and getting photography business i probably would have deleted it a long time ago.]

9. flowy summer dresses[via: freepeople]

10. this origami crane mobile

messages from soul mates

2010-05-03T00:24:00.000-07:00

"i'm going home to sleep next to A." -A

"oh. I'm going home to sleep alone." -C

"why do you say it like that? you know what you need to do? you need to go home and re-claim your bed. how many times have you slept on the other side of someone and still felt alone, because you weren't getting what you wanted or deserved?" -A

"okay, i'm following you." -C

"so it's your bed. as well as your life. you are strong and beautiful and independent. go home and take up your whole bed. stretch out and smile. because you deserve it. and you don't need anyone to make you feel like you do." -A

[so i went home, took everything off my bed, put new sheets on, and stretched out to take up the WHOLE bed. and in the morning i woke up with a smile.]

[image: unknown]

10 things i love sunday [maybe i should make this monday?]

2010-04-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

1. soulmates/best friends who have held my hand and guided me when i no longer had enough strength on my own.

2. a little bit of magic in everyday life [image via: Sofia Ajram]

3. drawing on your walls [via Kate Neckel]

4. a bright streak or two of color [i decided i am going to put a teal one in my hair]

5. this picture from a recent engagement shoot [such a beautiful couple]

6. this home [via: the Selby]

7. this article about how it seems true love is found.

8. giant chalkboards where walls normally are

9. this image [or any with water for that matter]

10. when the universe sends us signs.

the kindness of strangers

2010-04-26T19:38:00.000-07:00

this postsecret resonated with my heart, after a recent trip to Barcelona, Spain. my flight was delayed Christmas Eve, i was feeling terribly ill, and i was an emotional mess. all i wanted was to get home to my family and loved ones, and on the flight i was seated next to a young man who changed my life. with empathy and kindness, he calmed my anxiety, made me laugh and gave me some of the most crucial, wise advice i've ever been given. i will never forget him. sometimes i look back and wonder if he was an angel, after i spent hours praying for something, anything, in the airport. i only hope someday someone, another stranger perhaps, will come along and show him the love he showed me.

messages from soul mates

2010-04-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

a quote from Dany, a dear reader, who commented on my recent letter/post:

"Realize now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for."

and something struck me in the very moment that i read this quote. i have a habit of loving other hearts more than i love my own. and my heart. my heart is the one that has been there all along, with steadfast love, giving me strength, filling me with joy. my heart beats, even at times when it's as soft as a whisper, reminding me every second that i am surely alive.

so why have i been fighting for another's heart who will not fight for mine? i think it is time i begin to fight like hell, but this time for my own heart. because i am worth fighting for. and someone, somewhere, will think so too.

Dear Readers,

2010-04-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

i have used this blog as an outlet for creative writing, personal journaling, my photography, and an inspiration board. i know the writing can be dark, sad, moody and emotional at times, but i vowed to always be honest about who i am and where i'm at in life through my writing. generally i use creative writing, imagery and/or quotes to signify what it is that i am going through at a given time, without directly speaking of what it is that is affecting me so deeply.

well today i feel the need to write differently, directly. i have received inspiration, hope, and encouragement from the most wonderful people in my life, including on the blogsphere from dear readers whom i have never met physically. many comments have touched me and moved me in ways that have helped to heal my heart. i want to say thank you. thank you for reading. thank you for caring. thank you for supporting me.

i am a full time senior at a university and working part time as a waitress, not including my photography business on the side. this term has been extremely stressful, overwhelming, and at times deeply saddening. if you have read through any recent postings you may also become under the impression that i have fallen in love, and even more, in love with someone who cannot love me back at this time. you may or may not also have realized i am an extremely emotional person, feeling things so deeply that at times it can be unbearable (i like to attribute this in some part to being a moonchild [cancer], ruled by the intense emotions that dictate my life).

i have fallen deeply in love with a beautiful someone who is not ready to commit to me, someone who has his own issues needing to be worked through on his own, and someone who loves me back, but cannot find it in him to be with me right now.

i have a tendency to go through periods of deep sadness for no apparent reason, and the will to get out of bed in the morning becomes nonexistent. i am currently experiencing one of the worst periods of one of these (for now i will call them) melancholy states. i have spent 10+ hours a day in studio this last week and working til 1 am other nights. last week (after 7 months of spending all my time with this boy who has stolen my heart) he says he is ready to try a relationship.

i groggily roll over to his bright face this morning, and he reluctantly tells me that he thinks he made a mistake. he is not ready. he is overwhelmed. and he can't do it.
everything that has been building up for the past few weeks comes crashing down around me in this single heartbreaking moment.

he kisses my forehead, he still loves me. he showers and dresses for work, my back facing him, as i am curled into an overwhelmed, shocked ball with my face in his pillow. he undresses and crawls back under the covers to hold me. he whispers in my ear. my eyelids are covered in kisses, he loves me i am assured, and he wants me to know this, whispering it into my ear. those words make small stabs like daggers into my heart, parading in front of me mockingly. finally he re-dresses and reluctantly leaves for work. as i hear the door click shut a sob gently escapes my throat. it begins with small sighs, quiet tears trickling down my flushed cheeks. quickly these small bursts of despair turn into choking sobs, my breath catching in my chest. after an hour of crying into his sheets, i come to the full realization that i am, naked, sleep-deprived, and vulnerable, falling apart in his bed long after his presence is gone. looking around, small parts of him exist around the room, in an empty wine glass stained with the small bit he never finished, a wet towel he always slings over the back of his chair, his half-scrawled notes as reminders. the smell of him is intoxicating, and i feel nauseous.

eventually i gathered my strength and pulled on clothes too tight, smoothed down hair too frizzy, and splashed cold water on a red, puffy face staring back at me. i have hit rock bottom. now where is up? if only i could, ahh... i do remember seeing a slight shred of light last week, but wait.. no. now darkness enshrouds me and i am apprehensively feeling my way along in the dark, my hands gingerly bracing the walls of my existence. with the love and help of dear family and friends i am prodded to take a step forward. how does one move on when all their heart can fathom is loving the sole individual who it cannot? with time, with love, with courage, and with strength when it feels hopeless. shakily, i put one foot in front of the other. i have a long journey ahead of me, sorting all of these scary, stressful parts of myself and my life. that small glowing ember deep down in my heart flickers, and i stretch, grasp, and finally cling onto it. everyone has a torch, even when it is so dim you travel miles to find it, but i believe that is part of our journey, our task in life. it is my turn to hold onto that torch until it burns bright and wonderful again, and i can perch it in my soul once more to direct my steps with ease and assurance.

so begins my journey, and i would love for you to join me, in search of what sets me glowing once more. i am deeply grateful for the beautiful people in my life who have been guides on my path, and loved me flaws and all. thank you everyone. you have saved me. more than you know.

Love,
Cassy